


Unwilling Wallflower

by Krowaidanaz



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Flowers, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hanahaki Disease, High School, Language of Flowers, M/M, Slow Burn, The Author Regrets Nothing, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-02-22 23:29:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23002135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krowaidanaz/pseuds/Krowaidanaz
Summary: CJ, a normal kid, tries to fit in to a new highschool.'Fuck, please let this be a one-time thing.'He meets a certain someone who changes his life however, and it throws CJ in for a loop."I-I-Is th-this h-how I d-d-d-die?"CJ thinks that he'll be fine, but the flowers say otherwise.Watch CJ as he struggles to come to terms with his identity and predicament as he goes on with his highschool life.!Will try to update weekly every Saturday!a/n: i may have experimented a bit on how hanahaki works, and tags will update as the story progresses
Relationships: Original Character(s)/Original Character(s), Original Female Character & Original Male Character, Original Female Character/Original Female Character, Original Female Character/Original Male Character, Original Male Character & Original Male Character, Original Male Character/Original Male Character
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	1. Daffodils and Lavender Roses

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first fanfic that ive bothered to actually write and i tried my best to try and make it as realistic as possible,,,
> 
> i already have 7 chapters pre-written at the time of posting and all i have to do is, well, post them, so yalls gotta wait
> 
> next update will be this saturday!
> 
> -Krowaidanaz

Shuffling papers, resounding footfalls, one CJ is hurrying to get his paperwork from his mother and falling in line in an August morning. CJ still can't believe it. He's in Philippine Science High School, nicknamed "Pisay", and the Main Campus no less! 

While he's waiting in line, he remembers the previous weeks leading up to this day. 

_He enters school grounds, going inside the administration building with his family. Once they're inside, they sit down on a couch beside another family, who are also finalizing their papers for their child to attend classes here in Pisay. He faintly hears his mother making small talk with another._

_"Oh did your child also pass Pisay?"_

_CJ snickers. Of course he did. They wouldn't be here if he didn't pass for the Main Campus. His mother dismisses him as him watching whatever videos on YouTube._

_"Yes yes, he did! Isn't he one smart child?" He hears his mother praise him. He pays it no mind and continues to fiddle with his phone._

_"Where's your child? Your child also passed right?"_

_"Oh he's in the bathroom right now. I do hope that our children become classmates!"_

_As if on cue, a boy comes in, sits next to CJ, and pulls out his phone, presumably to play on it. CJ takes a quick glance at him._

_'He's really tall… I wonder if he plays basketball.' CJ thinks. He didn't really see what he looks like, just that he's really tall for their age._

_"Ma, I think we're next," CJ informs his mother._

_After this point, he doesn't really remember much. All he knows is that the registrar wrote-_

_"Emerald. Cool." CJ flatly says._

He's so deep into his own mind that he doesn't realize that same guy passed by him and that they're about to go up for the orientation.

'I don't think the guy whose mother talked to mine will be my classmate. It's too small of a chance to be honest,' CJ sighed. 

That was too bad. He looked okay, a solid 6/10 in his books, but he still hasn't seen what he actually looks like.

The walk to the classroom, SHB 302, happened without much fanfare. It was kind of awkward for a moment before some others started talking to each other. He looked around the room to see some of the boys starting to converse with each other, and so did the girls along with a boy with thick-rimmed glasses and another tall boy.

After a moment, it was only him and the guy who hasn't even talked to someone else, preferring to keep to themselves. He doesn't mind though, but he can't speak for both of them. 

The orientation itself isn't all that remarkable. Everything went by with a blur. He doesn't seem to be interested, although he did catch a few important things like how Pisay generally works, and then some. 

After what seems like hours of droning on when really, it's only been 2 hours, they all went to the auditorium for some reason, seeing the other 7 sections. 

CJ takes in the size of the batch and the appearances of the others. He probably wouldn't remember all of them but if they ever become his classmates in the later years, he might as well try. 

While looking around, he spots a few peculiar individuals, namely an guy with a bandanna mask at the front who was somehow talking to the literal definition of sunshine, a really tall person near the back, another tall guy in the section in front of him, a famous person's daughter near the back as well, and a few others.

'This batch is gonna be interesting,' he thinks.

It turns out that they're all doing a class performance, but CJ thinks they're all bad, including theirs. To be fair, they all just met each other about 3 hours ago.

The end of the performances brought about an end to the orientation itself, and it was time to get their school supplies from the Property Office. He got his books and went up to leave, but his mother had other plans. 

"Oh, it's you from the registration!" His mother spots the other mother from the registration. She goes up to her to have a small chat. 

"Oh hi! What section is your child? My child is in Emerald," the other mother said. 

"I'm also in Emerald…" CJ softly informs. He honestly doesn't know what to expect with this conversation. 

"Really? My son is also in Emerald! Look, here he is now!" The guy's mother points out to the tall guy himself. 

It was CJ's first time getting a clear look at his face. Short and soft hair, prominent jaw line, obsidian eyes that sparkle in the light, CJ can't find the right words to properly describe him.

'Fuck, please let this be a one-time thing,' CJ swears inwardly. It looks like CJ had a gay panic moment right there. 

"Paul! This is CJ, CJ, this is Paul," Paul's mother introduces CJ to Paul himself. 

"Hi. CJ, right? It's nice to meet you," Paul calmly greets.

'Oh my god, this feels so wrong on many levels' CJ swears inwardly once more after, internally blushing at the smooth velvety voice Paul has. 

"Y-yeah, i-it's nice to meet you, Paul," CJ stammers out.

‘Great going, you embarrassed yourself in front of your classmate,’ CJ internally scolds himself.

Paul just laughs it off, making CJ blush physically this time, although no one but him notices.

“Are you gonna be a dormer?” Paul, bless him, asks.

‘I swear I’m being tortured with this cute- I mean this totally not-cute and not-cool guy,’ CJ dejectedly thinks.

“Ah yes! CJ’s also gonna be a dormer. Hope you two get along in the dorms!” CJ’s mother answers him in CJ’s stead. “He said he wanted to, so we let him live in the dorms.”

“Mom!” CJ softly hisses.

“What, I’m just answering his questions,” CJ’s mother shrugs.

“Now come on, we have to go, we still have to prepare the things for your dorm,” CJ’s mother all but pushes CJ back to their car with the books in tow.

“Bye CJ!” Paul happily waves at him, his smile blinding like the sun.

‘He looks like a literal ray of sunshine, god I’m gonna probably die of sunshine before we even reach September,’ CJ muses.

'Fuck, I'm gay,' CJ covers his face, flustered as he and his family drove off to go home.

It's gonna be a looooong year. 

'He looks really cute, I wonder if he wants to be my friend,' Paul innocently thought.

edit: changed title from "Where It All Started" to "Daffodils and Lavender Roses"


	2. Blue Salvias

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CJ and Paul bond on their first day at the dorms. Looks like CJ is getting softer on Paul. 
> 
> Another contender appears?! Who is this mystery guy?
> 
> CJ still thinks they're friends. Will it last long?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heres the next chapter! its a bit short but theres not much to do for a filler chapter so eh

CJ and his family arrives at the dorm to set up his things inside his room. His parents went ahead and made small talk inside with other parents like always while he stayed outside, taking in the sight of his home for the next 10 months. 

'I can't live here peacefully. Nope. Definitely not with that airhead in it,' CJ tries to deny that he has something for Paul, but it kinda fell flat. 

"CJ! Let's go up!" CJ's father calls.

They all went upstairs to his room, Room 308.

'Phew, no sign of him yet, and it looks like he isn't my roommate,' CJ inwardly sighs in relief.

Moving clothes, fixing the bed, setting up his desk, making sure he's prepared for the next day, hoo boy, this day is very hectic for CJ indeed. He never knew the stresses of trying to live on his own for the first time, until now that is.

Well, granted that he is going to live with three other people in the room, it still feels like he's living on his own. Right now he's just chilling on his bed, looking at random things on his phone, silently watching his other roommates fix up the room further. 

'Oh well, as long as I stay here, I'm never gonna-' 

"Hey CJ! I heard that this is your room. You have your own bathroom?! Cool!"

Of course, not everything goes well for CJ as Paul stumbled into his room and interrupted all his thought, and by extension, his peace and quiet.

"What do you want?" CJ asks, but he never meant for it to be this salty. 

Paul deflates at the tone. 

"I uhhh, wanted to see if you wanted to be friends?" Paul asks, hope in his eyes, but he gets no response. CJ mulls over his decisions.

'If I befriend him, I get at least one friend I can talk to in the dorm, but he's gonna pester me non-stop. On the other hand, if I do reject his offer of friendship, I'm gonna-' 

"I-I'll just leave if you want. It's clear that I'm unwelcome here," Paul sadly states before turning around to leave, before-

"Sure, let's be friends," CJ answers as he gets down to get one of his biscuits from a drawer somewhere. 

"Really! I was afraid I'm gonna be alone here in the dorms," Paul brightens up just as quickly as he deflates, "I don't really talk to my other roommates that much. Especially that one guy about my height, he looks intimidating." 

"Well at least you have someone to talk to without any worries," CJ states.

Paul brightens up yet again, looking like the human version of sunshine, albeit a slight pink tinge dusting his face present.

"I'm gonna be one room down, so if you wanna hang out, just knock and I'll be there!" Paul waves off as he leaves. 

CJ releases the hold on his breath that he didn't realize he was holding. His heart was beating wildly and his face a blushing mess. 

He goes back to his bed and starts munching on the biscuits he got, while mindlessly scrolling through the internet. 

'I'm never gonna live this down, huh?' CJ accepts that he's probably gonna have to live with his unexpected crush on a guy, a guy! He still can't wrap it around his head that he's head over heels for a guy, but is he really?

A while later, CJ finds himself knocking on Paul's door. Paul himself opened the door, greeting CJ with a simple "hey!"

"So I'm uhhh, taking your offer of hanging out. Where do you wanna go?" CJ shyly asks. 

"Sure! We can go where you want to go, I don't wanna be a bother," Paul answers. 

"Where do you wanna go?" CJ questions Paul. 

"U-ummm, the gazebos should be fine," Paul hesitantly offers. 

And that's how they both found themselves in one of the gazebos. Right now they're just quietly taking in each other's presence, afraid of breaking the silence, albeit right now it’s just really awkward.

“So uhhh, wanna play 20 questions?” Paul suggests.

“Uhhh, sure. I’ll start: What’s your favourite colour?”

“Really?” Paul snorts, “That’s the best you can think of?”

“Don’t blame me, we barely know each other, so at least we have some semblance of familiarity between us.”

‘He’s got a point. Guess it doesn’t hurt to answer,’ Paul muses before replying, “Blue, how many times have you had a crush on someone?” He cheekily asks.

“C-can you answer a different question? I don’t feel comfortable telling you yet,” CJ stammers out.

‘Yet,’ Paul hangs on to that, “Alright uhhh, favourite mobile game?”

The general flow of their conversation went along smoothly after that one hiccup. They haven’t noticed the time passing by until Paul looks away for a second and calms down from all the bubbly excitement he feels.

“The sunset looks beautiful today, don’t you think?” Paul fondly asks.

“Y-yeah, it does,” CJ answers before mumbling something incoherent under his breath.

“Hm? Did you say something?”

“N-no, nothing.”

“Alright then, wanna head back to the dorms?” Paul offers.

“Sure, it is getting late anyways. Wanna hang out again tomorrow?” CJ wonders if he has available time tomorrow to make space for their hangouts.

“Mhm! After class though, I wanna see our other classmates. It was fun talking to you!”

A pang hits CJ’s hearts, and it only took six words from his mouth that made him feel this way. He looks at Paul’s shrinking form as he goes back to the dormitory and sighs.

‘If only he knew I said ‘you’re way more beautiful than the sunset’- actually no, nope, not about that life,’ CJ tries to shake himself out of his thoughts. After some moments trying to clear his mind, he goes back to the dorms, going back to his routine of munching on biscuits and another round of mindlessly scrolling through the internet. In doing so, he tunes out the noise happening in his room.

“CJ, right?” Another voice shakes him out of his stupor. It was one of his roommates.

“Mhm,” He just hums in reply.

“My name’s David, and I think we’re classmates. Emerald, right? Hope we get along in this room,” This other tall boy, David, he says, introduces himself.

'Sheesh, what's with Emerald and tall people, it's like we're destined to play basketball or something,' CJ muses before replying, “Likewise.”

They both fell into a comfortable silence, although this was a friendlier silence than the tension-filled silence he had with Paul, at least from his side. CJ doesn't really know if Paul thinks the same way.

Surely they're friends, right? Right? 

CJ hopes that they're just friends. Yep! Just friends.


	3. Gardenias

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet the other people that aren't dormers! Emerald shenanigans happen. Author self-insert happens as well, can you spot which one?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, i actually did a self-insert

It was their first day at school, and CJ saw some vaguely familiar faces, but some new ones as they didn't go to the orientation. He spots Paul amongst a crowd of other people. He pays him no mind as he sits down at one of the desks.

"Hey CJ! I met new people, isn't that great!" Paul is vibrating with excitement. Maybe that's why people are drawn to him, he's just really cheerful. 

"Yeah yeah, so who are these people who you met just now?" CJ curiously asks, trying to at least acquaint himself with his other classmates. 

"Oh you must be CJ! Paul keeps talking about you non-stop," one of the girl snickers, to which Paul vehemently denies. 

"I do not!" he pouts. 

'Cute. I-In a friendly way I mean,' CJ looks at Paul, amused. He didn't notice the light pink blush on his face.

"Yeah, I'm CJ," he holds out a hand for a handshake. 

"I'm Kath, and my friend over here-" another guy waves at CJ, "-is Gus. He's really enjoyable to be with, and apparently he also reads fanfics," This girl, Kath, snickers, but Gus just shrugs and continues back to chatting with the other tall boy who isn't David. 

"Oh hey, nice to meet you! I'm Chanelle, but you can call me Chans. It's easier that way," Chanelle introduces.

Both Kath and Chanelle shake his hand.

A few minutes later and the bell rings, "I think we all should line up outside. I think by surname?" one of them announced, and so they did line up.

"Huh, I'm right in front of Paul," CJ flatly states. It was only this time he finally grasped how tall Paul really is.

"You're like, the perfect hugging height for me," Paul chuckles, causing CJ to blush like mad and turning around so fast it should've given him whiplash.

A beat passes. 

"Sh-sh-shut up!" CJ stutters. 

The flag ceremony starts, and everyone starts singing until they reach two unknown songs. At this point, everyone has a very confused face on.

After this confusing flag ceremony, class starts. Not much has really happened in class except for some introduce-yourself kind of thing. CJ learns a few more names as he tries to memorize them and connect the names to the corresponding faces.

Then break time happened, and it was chaos. They were all trying to get to their next class, which they all collectively don't know where it is located. 

"Y'all look lost," a guy with the bandanna mask states, somehow in an Irish accent. Now that CJ takes a closer look, it appears that his fringe covers his left eye. Why the guy does so, he doesn't know. 

"Yeah, we're kinda lost. Do you know where this classroom is?" Paul, like the sunshine child he is, repeats as he rubs the back of his neck.

'He doesn't look like one of our classmates,' CJ thought. 

"Oh, we just had that class as a first subject. Just walk around the hallway until you see a sign that says 'Art Room'," this masked guy directs them as he points down the hallway then points his finger to the right.

"Thanks! If you don't mind asking, what's your name and section?" Of course Paul would try to make friends outside his classmates.

"Zein, from Opal," the masked guy, Zein, briefly introduces. 

"Cool name! Anyways, thanks for telling us where the Art Room is, Zein!" Paul waves to the retreating figure who also returned the gesture.

"Come on, those legs won't walk themselves to the next class," Paul jokes as he takes CJ by the hand and leads him to Art class, all the while CJ is trying to keep himself together from exploding.

The rest of the day goes on like this, where Paul somehow finds people to ask where some classrooms are and leading CJ by the hand, to which CJ responds by being a spluttering mess without fail. This results in Paul knowing a bunch of people outside of their class. 

Lunch rolled around and a mass of people just trickled in. CJ and Paul don't know what to do as of that moment. 

"I never really knew the school was this big, yet here we are," CJ says, surprised about the amount of people he can see. 

"Right?! There's a lot of people here! We should get ourselves some food before the lines get too long," Paul all but drags CJ to one of the food stalls, CJ being content at getting dragged around by Paul. 

CJ sighs, 'Honestly, if he wasn't here I wouldn't know where to go.' 

They both got their food and sat down at one of the empty tables. Paul started talking about random things he found fascinating and CJ was just okay listening to Paul ramble on about this one mobile game they both play. He does occasionally reply and chime in with his own thoughts from time to time.

Lunch ended and soon they were on their way to their next class. The same pattern continued: them getting lost, Paul holding CJ's hand to lead him around, and once they're in class, the usual "introduce yourself" thing again. This time however, the class of Emerald is playing truth or dare. 

It got real juicy a few minutes into the game, but CJ didn't pay it much mind until he was asked by Kath. 

"Truth or dare?" Kath excitedly asks.

"Dare," CJ answers nonchalantly. 

Most of the class went "ooh" when they heard CJ. 

"Ah hah! I dare you to hold the hand of the person you're closest to for the rest of the game!" Kath cheekily commands. CJ responds with a splutter. 

"C-c-can I h-have a d-different one?" CJ tries to negotiate out of this. 

"Nope!" Chans quipped, interest piqued.

"F-fine!" CJ relents as he seemingly goes around the circle of students. Said students were watching him and they're all on the edge of their metaphorical seats. All except Paul, who's just looking at him curiously.

The girl beside Paul (Melyza was it?) scooted over to give CJ a seat next to Paul as she seemingly gets the cue. CJ takes this and sits next to Paul to his right as he hesitantly holds Paul's hand, squeezing his hand.

Surprisingly, Paul squeezes back as a sign of comfort. 

Some of the girls squeal in excitement at the fluffiness this was radiating while CJ looks to Paul, ready to see the look of disappointment and contempt on his face, oblivious to the girls' squealing. 

Paul though, the sunshine child that he is, just smiles back at CJ with the power of a million watts. This both comforts and flusters CJ that his face blushes even darker. CJ, the poor boy, just looks downward and away from Paul, flustered but still holding his hand.

"I sense a gay ship getting ready to sail," Kath sagely states. Chans and Gus sagely nod as well.

"I-I do not like him that way!" CJ vehemently denies, but his red face says otherwise.

Luckily, that was the last class and everyone was finally dismissed, free to do whatever they wished for the rest of the day, and both CJ and Paul went back to the dorm.

"Don't you think that today was fun? We got to meet more of our classmates!" Paul energetically waves his arms around for emphasis as he lays on his bed. 

"Y-yeah, it was," 'and I enjoyed holding your hand the best- wait no stop!'

The last part went unsaid as CJ tries to push down all his feelings for Paul. It didn't work out well for him. 

"And what does Kath mean by 'gay ship'? Does she think we're gay?" Paul worriedly asks. 

"Hopefully not, we're just friends, right?" CJ asks. Somehow this gives pang to his heart. 

"Mhm! I don't even like someone in our class yet," Paul subtly looks away from CJ for a while, opting to look out the window of his room.

'Yet,' CJ ironically holds on to this, despite his previous attempts at trying to convince himself he doesn't like Paul that way. 

"If you say so," CJ hums. 

'Hopefully that changes.'


	4. Rhododendrons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blood has been spilt, the seeds have been planted. What happens now to our dear protagonist?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is the first part of the Shards of Green arc! aka the First Year. i have Zero Knowledge in how to write angst nor have i minded how hanahaki actually works but i tried jdksdjkdkd

A few days have gone by, and Emerald has gotten used to their schedule. Two classes for 50 minutes each, then a 20-minute morning break, two more classes, then a 50 minute lunch period at 11:20, another two classes, 20-minute afternoon break, and then the final class. They all get dismissed at 3pm. 

CJ was about to head to the dorms when he heard the ever present constant in his recent life, Paul. 

"Hey CJ! Wanna play basketball?" Paul asks. 

'I fucking knew it. He does play basketball!' CJ does a snort. 

"What's so funny, huh?" Paul tilts his head to the side in confusion. 

"Nothing, it's no big deal. I just thought of something funny. Meet me downstairs? I need to change," CJ replies. 

"Alright!" 

They both met downstairs at the dorm lobby as CJ said so and started walking towards the basketball court, Paul filling the silence along the way. 

"Hey CJ? Wanna play basketball?" became commonplace for both Paul and CJ. It was their norm, their thing. Sometimes they would miss their basketball games, but the other wouldn't really mind, considering that there were more important things to worry about. They will play though when given the chance. That is, until CJ starts seeing Paul less and less as the days go by. Even if they had time, there seems to be something Paul has been talking about more often.

Math class just ended, and all of them went out of the classroom as they milled about. Four of them went to the field. 

Kath threw her light blue frisbee towards the other side at Chans and this other guy (I think his name was Raph). CJ reminisces the first time he played frisbee with Paul.

_"And throw!" Paul instructs CJ as CJ threw the disc rather badly. CJ winces as he saw the frisbee shakily land on the ground._

_"Not too bad for your first throw," Paul says as he goes to pick up the frisbee._

_"It's not that good either," CJ deflates, demotivated at his so-called "failure"._

_"Hey, that's why we're learning to throw frisbees! Come on, those frisbees won't throw themselves," Paul continues, throwing the frisbee back to CJ. CJ clumsily catches the frisbee and sighs in relief._

"Heads!" 

CJ immediately ducks as he avoids the frisbee nearly decking him in the face. 

"You OK there?!" Chanelle shouts from the other side. CJ replies with a thumbs up. 

"You're acting weird today. Like, very. Something on your mind?" Kath concernedly inquired as she threw the disc back to the other side. 

"N-nope…" CJ hesitantly replies as he catches a frisbee. He throws it back to the other side. 

"No offense but you've been hanging out with us more often. Not that that's a bad thing and it's a nice change of pace but…"

Oh no, CJ knows that tone. He doesn't like what Kath is about to insinuate, but he can't stop her, so he just raises his mental barriers to probably rry and brace himself. 

"Where's your boooooyfrieend?" Kath asks, her voice squeaking exaggeratedly as she throws the frisbee, albeit it veered off a little bit. 

It took CJ a few moments to register what she just asked. In these few precious moments, a frisbee was headed directly towards his head again and didn't register the shouts of "Heads!" 

"I-I-I don't h-have a boyfriend!" CJ violently swings his arms around in denial, knocking the frisbee in the process.

"Sure you do, you've been around Paul since day 1, not to mention the dare you got. Had it been any other person, you would've refused right on the spot, but you actually did the dare with Paul," Kath rapid fires her "evidence" at CJ. She’s not wrong though.

"W-we're just friends, okay!" CJ angrily shouts, but Kath just laughs, much to CJ's dismay. 

"Whatever you say, lover boy."

They continue throwing the frisbee back and forth, a rather funny analogy to what's happening in his mind right now: his thoughts being thrown back and forth as he contemplates what to do next in his life.

"Hey CJ! Wanna play basketball?" Paul innocently asks, oblivious to the mental tirade the shorter boy has been having. Said shorter boy snaps out of his stupor to look at him. 

Something snaps in both of them.

"Not today, no…" CJ depressingly states. 

'That's a first. It was always me who kinda bails out on him,' Paul starts inwardly panicking, but he keeps his cool on the outside. 

"O-oh, is there anything going on right now?" Paul questions, worried about his first friend in this school. 

"N-no, I just want a-" 

CJ starts coughing. That concerns Paul. 

"Actually, yeah, I don't feel well right now. I have to go," CJ resolutely says as he runs to the nearest bathroom. 

'Oh, maybe he's just sick today. It doesn't hurt to check though,' Paul thought. Little did he know of the consequences of this very thought. 

"Is he okay? I'm kinda worried for him now," Paul quips out. 

"Do you wanna go check on him?" Chanelle asked, the frisbee game forgotten. 

"U-umm, yeah, sure…" Paul starts heading off towards the direction CJ ran. Kath soon followed. Chanelle just went back to throwing the frisbee with Raph. 

"CJ? Where are you?" Paul searches for CJ, not knowing where he could've been. Kath, however, has a fairly vague idea of what has happened to CJ. She prefers to remain silent though, not wanting to aggravate CJ further if she thinks what's happening to him is true. 

"CJ? Where are you?" CJ hears. Another cough.

This sent him over the breaking point, as he started coughing out blood. The sight of CJ coughing out blood makes CJ pale. 

"I-I-Is th-this h-how I d-d-d-die?" CJ shakily states as tears prick his eyes.

Another cough, another cough, another cough, each cough getting gradually worse until-

"H-huh?" CJ hums, his voice hoarse and scratchy. 

In the sink he's in front of are a few petals of differing colours. He slowly picks up the bloodstained petals, examining them. Some of the petals are red, whether the red is from the blood or the petal itself, he doesn't know. In the small collection of petals were two other colours of petals: pink and white. One of the petals is glaringly white, seemingly unstained by the blood, mocking him.

"F-flower petals. I-I-I've g-got to be dreaming," He picks up some of the petals in each colour and keeps them in his polo pocket . He did notice a very distinct flower within the small collection of petals, but paid it no mind however. 

As CJ walks out of the bathroom, he wipes off the blood that's been trailing off from his mouth. 

"Hey there CJ, you doing ok?" Kath worriedly asks. 

"Y-yeah I'm f-fine-"

"Bullshit, you're not. There's blood trailing off your mouth and your voice sounds scratchy, not to mention your _very colourful_ pocket is very distinct," Kath interjects. 

"Th-these are just papers!" CJ quickly covers his breast pocket as he tries to cover up. 

"Vomiting out flowers, huh," Kath suddenly says, making CJ catch his breath. 

"H-h-how did you know?" 

"Well I have it too! Every time I see her-" 

"Wait, you're gay?" 

"Bisexual but that's not the point here," 

Kath levels CJ with a glare. 

"Look, I know what Hanahaki looks like, so you can't fool me," Kath states. 

The "her" Kath mentioned passes by. Kath coughs out small purple flowers with a little blood. 

"Fuck. Alstroemeria," Kath curses. She throws away the flowers in a nearby bin. 

"How do you know it's alstroemeria? What even is an 'alstroemeria'?" CJ asks, confused. 

"Saw them once in a flower shop," Kath answers. 

"So, you have a thing for Paul, huh?" Kath cheekily continues. 

"I-I-I-I do not!" CJ uncharacteristically pouts. 

"Yet you got your flowers upon seeing Paul," Kath retorts. 

"So, what flowers did you get?" Kath asks. 

"I don't know?" CJ answers, annoyed. He shows the petals he coughed out. 

"That's a lot. Usually only people have only 1 to 2 kinds every time they cough," Kath muses. 

CJ starts having a coughing fit. Despite the seemingly severe cough, only a lone flower came out. Kath pales upon seeing said flower. It was the same very distinct flower from the small collection of petals in the bathroom. 

"What?" CJ nonchalantly asks. 

“I-I-I’ve heard of people coughing out that specific flower. It’s unheard of for people to even _get the Hanahaki disease_ let alone **_cough out red spider lilies,_** ” Kath shakily explains.

CJ inspects the flower more closely. Thin, bright red petals bloomed about with the red, stringy filaments wildly spread about. Now that he did take a closer look, it does somewhat resemble a red spider. He can't say for sure because he only coughed out one flower. 

"So? What about it? They're just flowers, they can't harm me," CJ nonchalantly shrugs.

"I-I'm assuming this is your first," Kath shakily says. 

"I think so- wait…" CJ ponders for a moment. Is that really his first flower? He goes back to the collection of petals in the sink, still left untouched. As soon as he got to the sink, he immediately spotted the same flower. He took it and went back outside of the bathroom. 

"This is the second time, apparently," CJ noncommittally hums. 

Kath slightly pales even more. 

"Y-you don't understand, CJ. _People usually only cough out one once a month, once every two months if they’re lucky, and certainly not this early. **You somehow managed to cough out two lilies within the span of 10 minutes, and at your first coughing out of flowers no less.**_"

"I'm sorry but I still don't understand why that's a bad thing? They're really pretty to look at. Maybe I'd give them to someone I love someday. Who knows?" CJ shrugs.

" ** _N-No, don't-_** " 

"And why is that?" CJ starts getting agitated from so much of his time being wasted. He was about to turn and walk away when-

"I'll be blunt then," Kath sighs in despair.

**"When people cough out red spider lilies, both you and the person you love will die."**

CJ freezes. 

"Y-y-you're joking, r-right?" 'I-I-I-I D-don't want Paul t-to **die**.' Tears start pooling in CJ’s eyes.

"If only I was joking," Kath replies. It was present in her tone that she was neither making light of this nor is she making this up. 

**"The more a person coughs out at once, the likelier the chances of both of you dying are, and the more frequent a person coughs the lilies out, the quicker and more painful your deaths will be,"** Kath gravely explains.

“At least that’s what I’ve heard of so far. Apparently it’s so rare that if you even cough out a single flower, they say that the gods have abandoned you. It’s more common inside Japan, but even then it’s still rare to get,” Kath finishes off.

“Finally, there you are! I’ve been looking for you for a long time.”

 _Oh no. Oh no no no, he’s not ready to deal with that yet._ CJ starts panicking, hands jittering around.

“H-hey Paul! C-CJ probably ate something bad, so that’s probably why he rushed to the bathroom,” Kath covers up for CJ. It seems suspicious to Paul but he ignores it in favour of worrying for his friend.

“And why is he crying?” Paul sternly questions.

“I-it was too painful for him, right CJ?” Kath lightly elbows CJ, “Riiight?”

“CJ? What did Kath do to you?” Paul worriedly asks. CJ doesn’t respond. Paul then shoots a glare towards Kath, "Kath-" 

“I-I didn’t do anything! I swear-”

CJ _bolts_. He can’t handle the stress of being around Paul for now. It’s too much.

“CJ!” Paul screams after him, but at this point, he’s too late to even try and catch up to CJ.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> due to shit internet and writers block past chapter 7, updates will come slower at twice a month every second saturday. i hope you all dont mind and im sorry for the recent development.
> 
> also, please stay safe amidst the COVID-19 pandemic! dont forget to wash your hands and practice social distancing


	5. Marigolds and Begonias

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paul feels like he's responsible for all the siffering CJ has. It left him bare and raw. It seems he can't handle the stress of that. What happened to our dear Paul?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> iM SO SORRY I MISSED A LOT OF SATURDAYS I- FJDJSJSJ
> 
> I JUST HAD A LOT OF THINGS GOING ON AND FORGOT THIS EXISTS 
> 
> oh, and im kinds running out of motivation to write in general but as soon as i get my energy up, ill try to write more!
> 
> this is Krow, ye

Paul feels broken. Right now he's just pacing around in his dorm room to calm his nerves down. He's panicking way too much and it shows. He hasn't even seen CJ at least once for two days. 

'D-did I do something wrong? Why did he run away? A-am I not good enough as a friend to him?' Paul's thoughts plague his mind. 

"I can assure you that you're a good friend," A voice snaps him out of his stupor. 

"Maybe he's just too stressed right now about something," it continues. 

Paul whirls around to see David by the doorway. He's worried although it doesn't show.

"W-what?"

"I'm just saying that you probably overwhelmed him. If he's avoiding you, then maybe he just wants to distance himself from what caused him his stress," David continues. 

"N-not that I blame you for it! He just needs time to recover," David quickly adds before he starts any misunderstanding. 

"O-oh. I-it's fine if you blame me. I'd blame myself too if it happened. Oh wait, it did," Paul laughs a mirthless laugh.

David sighs.

"If you feel like you have a need to just talk to someone, I'm all ears," at least David offered some sense of comfort to Paul. Paul himself is glad that someone else cares for him, although it's not enough to appease or dispel all of his worries. 

"Th-thanks. David, right?"

"Mhm." 

"Th-thanks again. I think I'll be fine now. I-Is CJ fine though?" 

David ponders for a bit at this. 

"I'd rather not say. He's my roommate and he asked me to not say anything about him, but between you and me?" 

Paul subtly leans forward to listen. 

"He's not doing well, but you didn't hear that from me," and with that, David takes his leave. 

Paul lets that statement sink in. Why is he not okay? Maybe it’s because he actually ate something bad? He wouldn’t cry that much, would he? Or maybe Kath did something to CJ. Seems plausible, right? Kath wouldn’t act suspicious with CJ unless she has something to hide…

Thoughts spiral into his head as he paced back and forth the room. Soon he gets tired of pacing and just lays down on his bed. He tries to sleep but he can’t, not with all the thoughts that have been plaguing his head.

By the time he stopped overthinking, it was 6am. Paul just sighs and goes to take a shower. 

'Hopefully he goes to class this time,' Paul hopes. 

A shower and a few things later, he's on his way to school. He puts down his bag on a nearby table and contemplates whether or not to eat breakfast. Paul then takes a look at the growing line of people getting their breakfast and eventually decides against getting food. 

With that, Paul just went up to their first class, before briefly stopping in front of the closed back door.

"W-w-w-what if h-he doesn't w-want to see me though…" Paul deflates.

"Hey, uhhh, Paul? Are you gonna go in or are you gonna glare holes into the door?" One of his classmates, he didn't register who exactly, grumbles. 

"O-oh, sorry."

He shuffles to let Kikoy, he finally sees, in and follows him inside the classroom. Once he reaches his desk, he just slumps into his desk, trying not to be as conspicuous as he can. 

"I don't know about you, but you look like shit." 

Paul weakly glares at whoever said the comment, that being Gus. 

"If your best friend suddenly started avoiding you after he had a breakdown, you'd be crying, right?" Paul retorts. The word "breakdown" leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. 

"Fair point, but still, have you been sleeping?" Gus worriedly asks. 

"Oh yes, I've gotten my 8 hours of sleep, daaaad," Paul sasses back. He weirdly isn't in the mood to deal with this, as usually he'd just laugh it off. 

"Okay okay, fine, jeez, I'll get out of your hair. So, uhhh, about that requirement we need to do…" Paul just tunes out whatever Gus had to say. What Gus says, he can just ask again. He does pretend he's listening though so at least he isn't seen as rude. That is until he comes in.

In walks CJ, looking worse for wear, cautiously looking around before briefly locking eyes with Paul. 

"Hey Paul, are you listening?" Gus snaps a finger in front of his face. 

Paul can't keep his eyes off of CJ though, worry and regret that he doesn't know why is there present in his eyes. CJ apprehensively takes in a sharp breath and quickly walks to his own desk, which was far away from Paul. In fact, they're at opposite corners, with Paul being at the very front while CJ is at the back. 

No one noticed that the class seemed more sombre than usual, and if they did, they didn't mention it. They just let Paul and CJ have their peace, or "lovers' quarrel" as the more mischievous people say. 

The teacher, Sir Edwin, comes in and greets the class. Paul just numbly stands up and greets. Sir Edwin picks up on this, but doesn't do anything about it for now.

"Alright, class, we're gonna have short group discussion about Biag Ni Lam-Ang*. Group yourselves into 5," Sir Edwin requests. He pulls aside both CJ and Paul first.

He notices that CJ was trying to shy away from Paul despite Paul longingly looking at CJ. Sir Edwin sighs.

"Is there anything going on between you two?" Sir Edwin hesitantly asks. He's worried for both of his students, advisory students no less. The normally cheerful duo suddenly avoiding each other and being distressed has put the duo under their homeroom teacher's eyes. 

No response from either of them. Seems like this goes way deeper than he thought it would.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Paul sees CJ weakly shake his head. The glistening tears don't go unnoticed by Paul as he files that information for later. 

"I-I-I-I don't t-think I w-want to…" Paul finally hears CJ say something. 

How it pulls the strings of his heart, seeing and hearing CJ this broken, and it was all because of him. It was because of him, right? After all, he's never seen Kath go near CJ again, so it couldn't have been a stomach bug nor did Kath provoke CJ to have a depressive mood this bad. 

And of course it's always him. If something goes wrong, blame Paul right? That's how it's always been for his peers, not really caring as long as they have their scapegoat. He's just saving them time by blaming himself. Why wait for others when you can do it yourself?

Sir Edwin then turns to him. 

"How about you, Paul? Do you want to talk about it?" 

Paul contemplates his decisions. If he does open up to Sir, he'll feel lighter because at least he let off some emotional steam, but he doesn't want to risk potentially being ridiculed by a teacher this time; but if he doesn't, his well-being will just deteriorate even further, leading himself into his own depressive spiral even further, but he doesn't bother anyone in the long run. Paul doesn't want to add more to his teacher's burden.

"Paul?"

Fuck, Sir's looking at him. He doesn't want to be scrutinized by the normally kind teacher. Is he even kind? Is this just a front so that his teacher can talk trash about him behind his back? Will he spread it around so that he'll be known as "Crybaby Paul" again? He doesn't want to live the next 4 years ostracized again. He just can't. 

Paul, however, doesn't realize that he's hyperventilating as tears silently fall down his face. He can't focus. His vision's blurry. He feels like the world's closing in on him. 

"Paul! Try following my breathing!" he doesn't register who said this, but it only sent him further into his spiral of self-loathing. 

He can feel eyes on him, judging his every move and thought, and he wants them to go away and make **iT STOP MAKE IT STOP-**

Paul passes out from lack of oxygen.


	6. Chamomiles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the panic attack. CJ snaps. What will befall CJ next as he continues on with a heavy burden on his shoulders?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> posting schedule is wack, idk even know when im gonna return to posting on saturdays weekly, but IM WORKING ON IT GJDKKDKSKSKKD
> 
> -krow

Coughs wrack CJ's body as blood and flower petals come out, some of the petals getting onto Paul's currently unconscious body. 

Sir Edwin is stressing over his students. He momentarily announces that class is dismissed despite being 30 minutes early before going back to Paul and CJ. The class, now in a dark mood, walks out in silence, leaving the teacher with two of his students. 

Sir Edwin takes one look at CJ and panics about the blood trailing out his mouth before he sees flower petals on Paul. 

"Hanahaki, huh?" Sir comments. 

CJ tenses up. He wasn't used to people finding out he has Hanahaki besides Kath. He then turns to look at Sir Edwin. 

He looks even worse than Paul, looking like he's haunted by watching his loved ones get tortured to death, which is eerily similar to what the situation looks like now, minus the blood on Paul. Dried tear trails that were present on his face were now wet again as a fresh wave of tears cascade down, and it seems to be stronger than the last one. Sir Edwin didn't catch him crying the first time, but he can tell that he cried because the tear stains look prominent. 

"I-I-I-I can explain!" CJ manages to choke out despite his scratchy voice and "sore throat". 

"I'm guessing it's Paul that's the cause of the flowers?" Sir Edwin takes a glance at Paul, taking mental note of a very out-of-place, fully formed flower.

"I-it's not him…" CJ weakly denies. 

"Sure, CJ, whatever you say," Sir Edwin lightly chuckles. "I can help you with the Hanahaki disease and Paul if you want," Sir Edwin takes the fully-formed flower. 

CJ snorts.

"H-him and me? **Never.** "

"H-he probably hates me now. I caused him this. **I caused his suffering and now I feel like I just want to stay away from him,"** CJ sharply hisses out. 

Sir Edwin is left speechless. 

"B-but I can't stay away from him. It'll only hurt both of us more-" CJ spots the flower in his teacher's hands. 

And then he screams. 

Sir Edwin tries to calm CJ down, and he does that by hugging CJ as he isn’t sure how to calm him down other than a hug in a high stress situation like this. CJ grips back tightly onto the back of his shirt as he bawls his eyes out, muttering incoherent speech all the while.

Sir Edwin reluctantly lets go of CJ, "I have to go to my next class. Do you think you can continue to- hey wait you might stress him out!" Sir Edwin warns as he sees CJ trying to carry Paul. He manages to get Paul on his back, albeit with some difficulty. 

"I made this problem, I'm fixing it," CJ grits out. 

Sir Edwin just sighs.

"Just try not to hurt him. I'll inform the dorm managers of the predicament. They'll get your bags so don't worry about them." 

CJ nods as he carries Paul down the hallway on the way to the clinic with a lot more effort than expected. He blushes lightly as Paul unconsciously snuggles up to him to make himself more comfortable. On the way down the stairs, CJ spots the dorm manager going up to get their bags.

“Is he okay?” The manager asks.

“H-he had a p-panic attack,” CJ replies, “Can we keep him in the dorms? He needs to rest.”

“Why not the clinic? They know how to-”

 **“He had a panic attack, not an asthma attack,”** CJ hisses out in contempt.

Silence passes after that comment, both of them hesitant to try and break it.

“I’m gonna head towards the Guidance Office. If our teacher already told you, you should bring our bags to the dorm, right?” CJ finally declares.

“U-uh yeah. Wait, your bag and his bag? You should be going back to class! I’m only bringing his bag then,” The dorm manager chides.

This shocks CJ. Even if his mind is in a dark place, he knows that he’s not okay. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go! The dorm manager is purposefully ignoring him and his problems that are very much real. Just because CJ is awake doesn’t mean that he’s okay! What kind of bullshit is this?

 **“I’m gonna head towards the Guidance Office. If our teacher already told you, you should bring our bags to the dorm, right?”** CJ firmly repeats again with more anger than is necessary. Who can blame him anyways? He’s had a shitty day. His first day back in class and this happens? Not a good way to resume classes.

“Rahon, I don’t like that tone-”

 **“WELL YOU CAN’T FAULT ME FOR BEING MADDER THAN NORMAL! I’VE HAD A SHITTY DAY BECAUSE I REGRET PUSHING HIM AWAY FROM ME _AND YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT YOU DON’T LIKE THAT TONE?!_ ”** CJ explodes.

"Rahon-" 

**"DON'T YOU FUCKING 'RAHON' ME! I JUST WANT ONE PEACEFUL DAY BUT NOOO I CAN'T BECAUSE YOU'RE PUSHING ME TO MY LIMITS JUST BECAUSE I SEEM 'FINE' TO YOU. GUESS WHAT, I'M NOT!"** CJ snaps.

"You know what, leave the bags there. I'll just carry them with me to the Guidance Office," CJ says. 

"B-but y-you can't-" 

**"Am I clear?"**

The dorm manager doesn't respond. 

"That's what I thought." 

CJ then trudges off to the Guidance Office, another fresh wave of tears trailing down his face as he carries both Paul and their bags. How he did that, no one knows.

"Oh hello there- oh my, this is quite the problem, isn't it?" The guidance counselor for their batch muses. 

"Y-yeah…" CJ trails off. He sets Paul down on the couch carefully so as to not disturb him. 

"Did something happen?" 

"Ah yes. The day has been going fan-fucking-tastic and everything is going swimmingly. Yep!" CJ sarcastically comments.

"My cru- best friend just had a panic attack and I'm here on the verge of a goddamn breakdown. It looked like he was about to die, ma'am. I can't handle the weight of someone's death on my shoulders!" CJ cries. 

"Well, you can excuse yourself from the rest of your classes if you want. Just meet me back here after you manage to get your friend to the clinic," The counselor suggests. 

"W-we're both dormers though…" 

"Even better! I don't know about you but I'd probably worry about my friend who passed out as well. At least you can watch over him if it helps you calm your nerves. Just don't do it often or other people might mistake you for a creep," The counselor warns. 

"A-Alright ma'am. I-I-I'll see you later," CJ hefts up Paul, placing both his hands under Paul's legs as he walks out of the school and into their dorms.

On the way down though, Paul stirs a bit in CJ's hold, forcing CJ to stop for a while halfway down the stairs. He panics before Paul wraps both his arms around CJ's neck, trying to make himself comfortable. This, of course, makes CJ blush as he continues trudging his way to the dorms. 

As he enters the dorm, he makes eye contact with the dorm manager, who was about to speak before CJ glared at him for a hard second before walking up the stairs of their dorm to his room. 

CJ sighs as he puts down Paul on his bed. 

"Looks like I'll be getting that excuse letter from the guidance office. It's only Tuesday and this already happened," he muses as he reluctantly walks out of Paul's room, presumably to get said excuse letter.


	7. Hibsicus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CJ finds out something about Paul. How will he deal with this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FKDKFHFKF IM SO SORRY I HAVE NOT UPDATED IN A WHILE
> 
> xdxd i suck at summaries
> 
> this is the first part of the triple update, the others will be posted at a later time

"Alright, I have your excuse letter here. Just give the note to your class secretary if you have one or the person who handles the class attendance sheet. Also explain why you won't be able to come to class to him or her and tell the person who gave you permission to be absent during their classes. It should be morning break time now, so you have plenty of time to use," The guidance counselor says. 

"Th-thanks, ma'am," CJ thanks before heading off to his next class. Do notice that he does not have his bag and, by extension, school materials with him. 

He only lasts two steps before-

"CJ! We were so worried! How are you? How is Paul? Are you okay? Oh, I hope Paul isn't hurt. Where is Paul? Is he at the clinic? CJ, if you hurt Paul, I will murder you-" It was Chanelle, one of Kath's friends, who seems to be very invested in Paul. CJ has to bite back a cough at this expression. 

"Calm down, Chans. CJ probably just carried Paul to the clinic-" 

"Dorm." 

"-dorm. I repeat, CJ probably carried Paul to the dorm. How he managed to do that is beyond me," Kath stops Chanelle from raining hell onto CJ. 

"You still look like shit, and I'm assuming it has to do something with Paul. Where's your bag by the way?" Kath inquires. 

"Th-they're at the dorm, along with Paul's. Can't you believe the dorm manager's an asshole? I didn't until he tried to shoo me back into the class when it was clear I'm not okay," CJ bitterly bites back. 

"Sheesh, mental health is just as important as physical health," Kath says. 

"Wait- so if you're not going to class, how are you gonna explain to the teachers why you are gone? Oh, uhh, and sorry for my outburst. Paul became one of my best friends, like you, and I was just worried," Chans apologizes. 

'Best friends, huh. What a sick joke,' CJ retorts in his mind. 

"I would do that as well, not gonna lie. Uhhh, I got an excuse letter from the guidance detailing the reason why I won't be in class today. I may look put together right now but I'm two seconds from bolting to the dorm and crying," CJ smoothly explains before handing the excuse letter to Kath. 

"Just give this to whoever handles the class attendance sheet and tell them I don't feel good today, okay?" He requests. 

"Sure can do! But before that, Chans, can you uhhh, move away for a moment? I have something that only CJ should hear," Kath tells Chans her request. Chans, thankfully understanding, complies. 

"I know you had to bite back two coughs in a row. I thought it was Paul who you were, to put it bluntly, gay for?" Kath asks, confused. 

"I'm never gonna convince you that I'm not gay, huh?" 

"Nope. Now spill," Kath urges. 

"I-I don't know… She says that she's best friends with Paul but I somehow don't believe that. What if Paul's actively avoiding me by hanging out with her instead of me and lying to my face that he has to do requirements," CJ panics. 

"I'm pretty sure he actually does his requirements seeing as I hang out with Chans all the time. However, I do have some info. It's gonna hurt though, so I don't know if I-" 

**"Tell me,"** CJ demands gruffly. 

"Alright, you asked for it: Paul has a crush on Chans," Kath drops the info like a nuclear bomb.

CJ can feel his heart shatter to a million pieces.

'Wh-why do I feel this way? Like the world has ended and I can't bring it to piece itself back together? I don't like this feeling…' He thinks as he's very confused as to how to move on with this info.

He doesn't notice he's crying before Kath points it out. "Dude, chill, it's just a crush. I'm pretty sure Chans doesn't view Paul in the same light as Paul does her. You still have many chances to confess to Paul! Cheer up, at least you can spend time together in the dorm doing whatever," Kath winks. 

"Heh, maybe you're right- wha- hey! I do not have those intentions!" CJ laughs out and he feels better. He still doesn't feel good but it's an improvement. 

The bell rings and Kath has to bid him goodbye as she rejoins Chans and enters the classroom. That just leaves CJ alone in the hallway. 

'Guess all I have to do now is go back to the dorm and pretend I'm okay when I actually am not,' he snarks. 

He walks down the hallway towards the dorm, thinking about what he should do for the rest of the day while looking after Paul. Maybe playing his games on his phone will help? What about writing his feelings for Paul? Okay, maybe not that last one so playing on his phone will have to do.

He got so lost in his thoughts that he didn't see the next step down the stairs before he fell from it. Thankfully he was already near the bottom of the stairs so his injuries weren't that grave. A few students gave him side glances before continuing on.

CJ stops by the cafeteria and ponders whether he should get a snack or not. He decides to go get himself and Paul a snack.

Unfortunately, he hit another student by accident because his head was in the clouds again. 

"S-sorry! I wasn't looking and paying attention!" CJ quickly apologizes, hoping that the situation diffuses already. 

"Ah shit, there goes my fries- wait, aren't you the other guy that this Paul was dragging around once?" The boy(?) comments as he cleans some of his mess, picking up the fries before continuing on like nothing happened. CJ hasn't really focused on the other person yet and the voice sounds androgynous. 

"I know the mask and the fringe is edgy but you're about to burn holes into my face if you keep staring."

Oh, it was Zenix. What is he doing here during class time? Shouldn't he be in class? 

"Study period," Zenix responds.

What the fuck, can he read minds? This is getting creepy. 

"You're talking out loud," he crunches on a fry. 

"O-oh, right…" CJ feels embarrassed. He really is acting weird today, tired and stressed. 

"The bigger question is why are you here? Emerald is supposed to have their classes in the SHB if I remember correctly. And before you freak out, yes, I know you're supposed to have classes in the SHB every Tuesday, 3rd period. I see your class coming up to your classroom every time I walk down the hallway," He clarifies himself as he inquires. 

"I-I'd rather n-not say," CJ looks down to avoid eye contact. 

"Suit yourself then," Zenix shrugs before walking past him and into his classmates. 

"He's rather blunt," CJ mutters as he finally gets his snacks, which is turon, and drinks without distraction. He carefully brings the hot turon and water bottles back to the dorm as he climbs up the stairs and enters his room. 

'Still not awake, huh,' CJ states the obvious as he takes one look over Paul's sleeping form. 

Making sure Paul isn't awake, he changes out of his uniform and into his casual home clothes, which consist of a green tee and maroon shorts with a gold trim. Sighing, he puts his uniform in his hamper and sits on the ground next to his bed as he watches over Paul, making sure he's comfortable enough before distracting his dark thoughts with his phone.

A few hours pass by uneventfully and he stops using his phone to eat his own turon that has gone cold. He takes one more glance before eating his turon. Paul himself has turned in his sleep, now facing CJ and laying on his side. He looks so peaceful in his sleep despite the events that had happened to both of them.

CJ finishes his turon. He wipes his hands with paper towels and throws it in the trash bin before going back to his phone. 

Is what he would have done if he wasn't so tired he can't focus on his phone. CJ yawns as he sits back down next to his bed.

'Fuck it, we're doing this,' his sleep-riddled mind says as he absentmindendly holds Paul's hand with his own, squeezing it tight. Soon after, he succumbs to the sleep, too tired to even complain about his sleeping position. 

Too bad he missed Paul placing his other hand atop CJ' s, covering CJ's hand in Paul's grasp.


	8. Pink Camellias

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CJ and Paul talk out their feelings. It ends worse than expected. How bad did it get though?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i fucking forgot about this
> 
> then again i forget a lot of things bUT STILL, I AM COMMITTED TO THIS
> 
> i will try to maintain some semblance of schedule
> 
> i say this as i think "whats for dinner" without a care in the world
> 
> -krow

'My body feels like it's been slammed by a sledgehammer,' CJ thinks as he wakes up, trying to stand up and stretch before realizing one second too late that he was holding Paul's hand. This resulted in Paul getting pulled towards CJ and them falling towards the floor.

"Ow!" "Shit!" 

Looks like Paul has suddenly woken up, not yet noticing the compromising position they are in. 

"Sorry! And uhh, good morning!" CJ squeaks out from under Paul. Paul himself is laying on top of CJ, his head resting on CJ's chest.

"It's not morning, moron," Paul laughs out. This makes CJ blush as he can feel the laugh rumble through him. 

"G-get off me! Th-this I- I feel weird now," CJ admits as he pushes Paul off of him. He won't admit it but he feels colder and emptier without Paul.

"O-oh, uhh, sorry…" Paul blushes as well, looking away from CJ. Neither of them have yet to notice that their hands are still holding. It's like they're used to this already even if they've only intertwined their hands exactly once before this one. 

"So… mind telling me why you passed out a while ago?" CJ treads into dangerous territory as he asks the question. He begrudgingly releases his hand from Paul's and sits on his bed, offering Paul some space to sit or lie down on.

Paul freezes. Why he did is beyond CJ. Might be because he's too scared to admit that he's afraid of something?

"N-nothing in particular, hahaha! I just passed out because of an asthma attack, is all!" Paul sits between CJ and the wall, trying to sink into the corner and make himself look small. It fails considering his tall height. 

"B-but I got worried when you passed out! I thought you were gonna die! In hindsight, that probably isn't the case but you can't blame me! I even had to chew out the dorm manager and miss classes just for you!" CJ rapid-fires his statements. 

"Wh-what? Why would you do that just for me?" Paul tries to interrupt. 

"I carried you from our classroom to the dorm! You were so fucking heavy, I can't even feel my arms after it! I was fussing just to make sure you were okay, I even brought you turon and water in case you wanted it!" CJ shouts. 

"Wh-why are you shouting at me…" Paul starts crying. 

"I don't even know why I did those! I had nothing to gain from this except you being alive. I don't want to see anyone look like they're about to die!" CJ still hasn't noticed Paul crying before he shouts. Paul's crying got louder as he heard what CJ said, thinking that CJ has to deal with his troubles while he's alive. 

"Why are you even trying to make amends with me?! It's clear you don't want to be around me anymore! I thought we were friends! Best friends even!" Paul bellows, his voice raspy from all the crying. 

"I- Paul, I-I-," CJ is starting to regret his life choices, tears pricking his eyes. 

"Why do you even bother when it's clear I'm just a goddamn nuisance to you?! Are you just using me?!" Paul tries to leave. 

"P-Paul, l-let me ex-" 

_"You don't need to explain anything when it's very clear to me that you **hate** me-"_ Paul tries to get off the bed but CJ pulls him back down and hugs him tightly, his own tears rolling down his cheeks. 

"It's because I value you as one of my closest friends. THE closest friend even! I only avoided you because I was scared I'd push you away! Now this happened and it's all my fault I tricked you into thinking you hate me!" CJ defends. 

Paul, shocked by this, stays still in CJ's hold. 

"If I told you how I feel and why I avoided you, you're just gonna judge me for who I am. I never even knew I felt this way until I entered Pisay and I'm scared that everyone's gonna look at me with their judging eyes. I'm scared I'll lose you as a friend," CJ cries into Paul's shoulder.

"CJ, I…" 

Paul finally returns the hug as both of them cry, finding solace in the other while they tell how they feel about what happened and why it happened, giving them ample time to explain themselves. 

They both calmed down for a moment and settled themselves into CJ's bed. They both have an arm around the other, kinda like a side hug as CJ lays his head on Paul's shoulder. To CJ's surprise, Paul doesn't mind it. 

"I-I wasn't ready to be called 'Crybaby Paul' again and everyone made jokes at me that I was gay for crying. They don't even know how that hurts!" Paul starts. 

**"Who are these people, I just wanna chat-"**

"C-CJ, don't, please, I have better people surrounding me right now. A-anyways. I was a crier ever since I was small. They keep telling me that 'boys shouldn't cry because they're supposed to be strong.' I can't help it that I cry easily! Whether it be a birthday party, the death of a loved one, or an injury, I'm always crying if I think something goes really good or bad," Paul continues. 

"Well I think you're a strong man for telling someone about your feelings," CJ compliments. 

"Thanks. After that, they started calling me gay for crying because I cried too much, and because crying was for girls only. I mean, they're not wrong that I'm gay but they're not right that I'm exactly gay. More of bisexual, honestly. Please don't tell anyone about this!" In those statements, Paul came out to CJ as bisexual. CJ had a bewildered look on his face as he learned this. 

"Y-you're bisexual?" CJ asks for confirmation one more time.

"A-at least I think so, yeah. Why, do you have something against gay people?" Paul answers. 

"W-well I used to before I-I knew I was also bisexual," CJ embarrassingly admits as well. 

"We can be Bi Buddies then!" Paul exclaims excitedly. 

"We're going off-topic. Us being bisexuals aside, Why'd you pass out? You still haven't answered my question," CJ steers the topic back onto Paul's panic attack. 

"You already know that I was called 'Crybaby Paul', right? I was actively being bullied just because of it. Even the teachers look annoyed every time they see me because they just think I'm a nuisance. They spread it around in my old school and no one wanted to be friends with a whiny person," Paul laughs bitterly. 

"Since Pisay is bigger, I was nervous because I thought everyone would judge me the moment I cry and spread rumours about me and make the teachers turn against me. I'm glad that that isn't the case because I just admitted to you about all this and still want to be my friend," Paul's happy demeanor resurfaces again. 

"So, why did you avoid me? Is it because I was hanging out with Chans more often? I-I'm sorry if we weren't able to-" Paul was about to ask before CJ started to cough. 

"Y-you okay?" Paul shakily asks. CJ bolts out of Paul's hug and into the bathroom. Paul quickly follows CJ into the bathroom and sees him coughing out blood on the sink.

**_"C-CJ?"_**


	9. Cyclamens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CJ finally explains his situation, but at what cost?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> krow is back at it again with irregular scheduling bcoz i keep forgetting my responsibilities this quarantine
> 
> -krow

'Shit, I've been found out,' CJ laments as he stares at Paul with scared eyes, blood dripping down his chin. He wasn't prepared for anyone else to find out, but it seems that life had other plans. 

"C-CJ, i-i-is this what y-you mean by 'p-pushing me a-away'?" Paul shakily asks from the doorway of the one of the common bathrooms. It's clear from the look on his face that he's both extremely worried and terrified for CJ and afraid that he might do something wrong. 

Silence passed between them for a full minute before CJ had another coughing fit as he tried to speak. The tension was so thick, you could cut it with a butter knife, and neither of them wanted to break the tension in the air. 

"CJ!" Paul rushes to CJ, trying to support his friend as he coughs. Much to his horror, blood was coming out in every cough, as if CJ was trying to hack up something from his lungs. Surely enough, something, or rather some things, made their way out of CJ's mouth, and it wasn't what Paul expected. 

"F-flowers? CJ, you never told me you had Hanahaki! Is this what you have been hiding from me?!" Paul exclaims, shocked that even he wasn't trusted with this piece of information, his anger justified. CJ feels remorse for not telling him sooner, but he has his reasons. 

"I-I can explain!" CJ tries to reassure before one last cough works its way through him. Thankfully, it wasn't the flower he was dreading, rather, it was just another collection of flower petals.

"G-give me a minute to clean up, then I'll spill everything to you. I-I guess it's about time you knew," CJ requests. He does look like a mess with all of the coughing up flowers and blood, and crying. Paul gladly gives him the time to wash his face up as he waits outside the bathroom. 

"C-can we go back t-to my room? I-I'd rather not talk about th-this in public…" CJ asks once more. 

"If you insist. Now come on, let's get this over with. I don't want to see you suffering anymore like this," Paul accepts as he leads CJ to his room. They both sat back down on CJ's bed, this time it was CJ sandwiched between Paul and the wall. 

"Alright, now spill everything. I know what Hanahaki is, but I don't know why you have it," Paul begins the conversation. 

"W-well, i-it has to do something with y-you and s-someone else…" CJ weakly starts his explanation. 

"Me? How so?" 

"Y-yeah… Remember how I ran off that one time you asked me to play basketball with you? That was the start of me hacking up flowers…" 

"And you never told me. CJ, I thought we were best friends! If I knew that this was something you didn't want anyone to know, at least I could keep a secret and help you go through with it! Speaking of someone knowing of this, no one else aside from me knows, right?" Paul inquires. 

"O-only Kath knows, but I-I didn't tell her. Sh-she caught onto the fact that I started, well, vomiting flowers. She never told anyone else though! That would've caused mass panic if everyone else found out I've been sick with Hanahaki," CJ answers, leaving out the part where Kath herself has Hanahaki.

"I still don't know why you have it though, so continue on," Paul gently nudges the topic back to CJ's reason of having Hanahaki.

"O-okay. A-after that, I just f-felt like I couldn't be a-around you anymore. Y-you started hanging out with Chans more too, a-and that made me both sad and jealous…" 

"Jealous of who?" 

CJ clams up. On one hand, he really wants to tell Paul that he likes him as a crush, having already accepted the fact that this crush on Paul will last long, but for some reason, he just can't tell him yet. He doesn't want to face the consequences of confessing this early. On the other hand, he can lie and say he has a crush on Chanelle, but he doesn't like the feeling of lying to his closest friend. He weighs his options before he reaches an answer. 

"Well? I just want you to know that even if you have a crush on either me or Chans, I wouldn't judge, okay? It would be hypocritical of me if I do," Paul comforts. 

"A-about that crush thing…" 

"Hm?" 

"I-I-I do have a c-crush on Chans…" CJ lies. That left a bitter taste in his mouth as the words came out. 

"So that's why you got the disease. That explains the red carnations then," Paul muses. How does he know what the flowers are?

"The what now?" CJ asks, fear evident in his tone. 

"Red carnations. The one you coughed up a while ago. I saw some of its petals in the sink along with pink camellia petals," Paul answers. 

"O-oh. How do you know what the flowers are?" It's CJ's turn to question Paul.

"My parents run a flower shop. My earliest memories actually came from my family's flower shop. They taught me some of the flowers they sell and, on the off-chance that they weren't busy, what some of the flowers mean," Paul explains himself. 

"If I recall correctly, the flowers you cough up should mean something towards the person who you love, in this case, Chans. Red carnations mean 'my heart aches' or something while the pink camellias mean 'longing for you'," Paul finishes. 

"O-oh." 

"Is that the only letter you know? There's 25 more in the alphabet, CJ," Paul jokes as he bumps his shoulders against CJ. 

"H-hey! I just spilled everything to you and this is the thanks I get?" CJ whines. He didn't mean to sound angry though as it was more of good-natured bantering. 

"Sometimes the best medicine is laughter," Paul chuckles.

A few more minutes passes by before Paul admits something. 

"I kinda get why you'd like Chans though," Paul mutters. 

"How so?" 

"I mean, she's pretty, kind, cheerful. No offense to you but that sounds like a perfect match to your aloofness. Sometimes she can be a bit too energetic but that's what I like about her, so maybe you like her energetic trait as well?" Paul laughs out. 

CJ coughs out more flowers though, but no blood is present which makes things easier. 

"Oh, sorry. I get that you like Chans but why don't you think that she'll reciprocate your love? Isn't that the cure for Hanahaki? Well, aside from surgery but I'd rather you confess to her already and see if she likes you back," Paul apologizes before he asks.

"I-I just have a sneaking feeling that she likes you more though," Paul blushes at CJ's statement. 

"H-huh, why?" 

"Well for starters, she was incredibly worried about you when you passed out. She actually threatened me, but to be fair, I would've done the same in your honour. You also spend more time with her than me whenever she isn't with Kath," CJ explains. 

"R-really? Y-you think I have a chance with her?" 

"Yeah, I don't even like Chans more than a crush, but it seems that you have deeper feelings for her than me," CJ smiles, albeit it was strained because it painfully hurts for him to even utter those words.

"I-I don't!" Paul blushes deeper, clutching one of CJ's pillows and burying his head into it. 

"You do have a crush on her!" CJ teases. Honestly, he thinks Paul is cute whenever he's flustered. That doesn't mean he has to like what he's flustered about though, as it still hurts him to know that Paul does in fact, have feelings for Chanelle. 

"Sh-shut up!" Paul hits CJ with the pillow. CJ just laughs it off. 

"Haha! So what do we do now after we spilled our guts to each other?" He follows up with a question.

"I don't know. We still have about 2 hours before our classmates get dismissed. Oh, and I should change out of my uniform. I'll be right back, then we can hang out all you want in your room!" Paul gets up from the bed and leaves. CJ misses the warmth and comfort Paul radiates. 

"Hopefully he returns my feelings. I can't deny that I do like him anymore…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this work is going on hiatus for the rest of june to get myself to write more chapters for this story and work on others while trying to maintain a Proper Work Lifestyle
> 
> -krow


	10. ANNOUNCEMENT

I'm sorry to whoever was willing to follow me through writing this but I have an important announcement to make:

**I'm rewriting this fanfic**

I found myself dissatisfied with how I write it and I am also busy writing two other stories. I hope you all understand!

-Krow


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